They're Not Your Everyday Fairies, They're Evil::
The Doctor Who Confidential Drinking Game part III: Torchwood Declassified

by Fiona Moore

Originally published in Celestial Toyroom Issue 347

Ah, Torchwood. Technically a sister series to Doctor Who, thus meaning that their tie-in documentary, Torchwood Declassified, is a sister series to Doctor Who Confidential, and thus fair game. So break out the bottles; it's time for yet another in the CT Documentary Drinking Game series.

For those of you who have miraculously managed to get this far in fandom without encountering the concept of the drinking game (lucky you), the rules are simple. You start with a drink; you take one drink whenever any of the things listed below appears in any given Declassified. If the instructions say to take two or three drinks, you obey; if the instructions say to "chug," you drain the glass. Since the average episode of Declassified is only about fifteen minutes long, it is in theory difficult to get completely drunk during it; however, that has never stopped the determined drinking game player.

Please note: this is for Torchwood Declassified series 1 only, though we reserve the right to extend it to series 2 if it proves equally silly. Next month: the kiddies' version, played with fizzy lemonade and Totally Doctor Who.

Also please note: The title of this Drinking Game is a direct quote from writer P J Hammond, in Declassified #5, who actually managed to keep a straight face while saying it.

And now, the game! Take a drink whenever:

• Russell T. Davies appears, talking about the episode as if he wrote it (unless he actually did, in which case, please ignore)
• Naoko Mori appears, looking far more beautiful and sounding far more intelligent and articulate than she does when in character as Tosh.
• Any of the actors appears, discussing how their character really develops during this particular episode. Take two if they can't establish eye contact with the interviewer during this, and three if they can't manage to keep a straight face while doing so.
• Someone reveals that the one bit of the episode that made you really, really cringe was something that got thought up as a bit of a joke. Take two if it also appears that nobody associated with the programme is remotely embarrassed about this.
• We see the production team doing something toothgrindingly cutesy, like applauding a script meeting.
• Any place other than Cardiff is mentioned. If that place happens to also be in Wales, take two drinks.
• Somebody describes a scene, and this is then interspersed with clips of the scene, making you wonder why they're bothering to describe it (unless-- do you suppose?-- they're trying to fill up an otherwise uneventful documentary)
• Somebody uses one of the following phrases:
  
  
  • “deep”
  • “mature”
  • “sexy”
  • “dangerous”
  • “disgusting”
  • “vision”
  • “gritty”
  • “very twenty-first century”
  • “dirty”
  • “dark”
  • “emotion”/“emotional”
  • “adult drama”
  • “[name of character] really grows/develops/matures during this episode”
  • “boobies”
• We get a montage of actors and production people all saying “this is about...” and following it with a usually one-word phrase (take a drink for each repetition of the word “about”);
• Somebody associated with the programme drops broad hints that the ending of the series will be terribly exciting and terribly dramatic, so we should keep on watching;
• At exactly ten minutes in, the episode abruptly switches gears from the Talking About the Characters Bit to the Talking About the Effects Bit. Take two if it subsequently becomes apparent that they are having trouble stretching the latter bit even to five minutes, take three if they give up on the character stuff and start the effects bit early on;
• The interview clips with the behind-the-scenes people start to get repetitive (follow with subsequent drinks every time you start to find the repetition annoying,  until a state of blissful Nirvana is achieved and you just don't care anymore);
• Torchwood Declassified is shown at some godawful time well after the actual episode has finished; take one drink for every hour between it and the episode, and if it shows up more than 24 hours late, chug the lot-- you've earned it.

Next Issue: Concluding the series (until we get around to doing DW series 3, anyway) with Totally Doctor Who.

Next month, provided we sober up in time, Doctor Who Confidential Drinking Game part II: This Time, It's Smug.