The Death of Doctor Who

by Alan Stevens

Originally published in Celestial Toyroom Issue 343

The first Doctor was killed by snow.

That's a fact. Snow killed the first Doctor, and no, not the stuff you shove up your nose, but snow in the true sense of the word. Rain that has fallen from the sky in sub-zero temperatures. So, was dying of hypothermia an appropriate death for an old man? Well, in a word, yes. It's sick, but appropriate.

The second Doctor was killed by an off-screen drawing of Jon Pertwee.

Yep, that's what happened, and it took place thirty-seven years before "Fear Her". Isn't that amazing? I'd say so. But was it appropriate? Are you kidding?

The third Doctor was killed by his own arrogance.

Need I say more.

The fourth Doctor was killed by astroturf.

That's correct. The fourth Doctor was killed by plastic grass. Where the hell did that idea come from, eh? You'll have to ask Christopher H. Bidmead, but was it appropriate? You're having a laugh, aren't you?

The fifth Doctor was killed by bat guano.

What a shocking way to go, eh? Killed by batsh*t. Disgraceful. But was it a fitting way for the fifth Doctor to die? Bit of a hot potato, that one.

The sixth Doctor was killed by carrot juice.

Yes, it's true. At the end of "Trial of a Time Lord" the Doctor's final words are "Carrot juice, carrot juice, carrot juice," and then the next time we see him, he's flat on his back, dead. But was it appropriate? Kind of, yes.

The seventh Doctor was killed by firing squad.

Yes, again, that's what happened. Doctor number seven stood in front of his Tardis and was shot to death by sub-machine gun fire. Appropriate? Some would say so.

The eighth Doctor died because he kissed Grace Holloway on the lips.

We all know that up until 1996, the Doctor had never snogged a companion, but in this story he does just that. It may have been a foolish fancy, but the consequences were apparently fatal, as one episode later, we see that the Doctor has been forced to regenerate. And does he learn from this mistake? No, because just thirteen episodes later...

The ninth Doctor died because he kissed Rose Tyler on the lips.

That's right. Earth girl spit is poisonous to Time Lords. He can kiss Captain Jack all he likes, but tongue-sandwich a girlie even once, and he's a goner. So, appropriate? Absolutely not! No, it's against nature! It's against all rational thought! Wash your mouth out with soap, you filthy beast!

So, finally, what does that tell us about the future death of Doctor number ten?

Well, basically, odds on he is going to have a totally inappropriate death, that's going to come completely out of the blue, and have people scratching their heads and saying, "where the hell did that come from?" until the end of time.