Allons-y, Alonzo::
The Doctor Who Confidential Drinking Game part V: Confidential Series 3

by Fiona Moore

Ah, Series Three. The series in which Russell T. Davies demonstrated that he is a confident man who doesn't listen to the silly blatherings of fans on message boards and in zines, and extended the already-too-long Doctor Who Confidential documentaries by another fifteen minutes. Never mind, it's fifteen more minutes in which to get off-faced, if you're playing the Drinking Game.

For those of you who have miraculously managed to get this far in fandom without encountering the concept of the drinking game (lucky you), the rules are simple. You start with a drink; you take one drink whenever any of the things listed below appears in any given Confidential. If the instructions say to take two or three drinks, you obey; if the instructions say to "chug," you drain the glass. If it's a particularly, shall we say, "traditional" Confidential, you may get through several glasses, which can't help but be a good thing.Please note: this is for the third series of Confidential only. For previous series, plus Torchwood Declassified and Totally Doctor Who, see CTs passim.

Please note: this is for the third series of Confidential only. For previous series, plus Torchwood Declassified and Totally Doctor Who, click here.

And now, the game! Take a drink whenever:

• The episode visibly runs out of material after half an hour. Take two if the episode visibly runs out of material after fifteen minutes. Take three if the episode is part two of a two-parter, and visibly ran out of material in part one.
• The song behind the montage has appeared in a previous Confidential. Take two if you can identify which episode. Take three if the song is by The Arcade Fire or Coldplay.
• The song behind the montage is hilariously inappropriate (e.g. in the Confidential for “Human Nature,” which no doubt prompted many awkward scenes as parents attempted to explain the phrase “lovely lady lumps” to juvenile viewers).
• Clips from the classic series are shown. Take two if subsequent commentary features production team members desperately trying to take back their slagging-off of the classic series in Confidential Series One and Two, and claim that they liked it all along really.
• Someone claims that some particularly trite or cliched concept from this week's episode is either “uniquely British,” “uniquely Doctor Who,” or even “something that's never been done before.”
• The existence of Torchwood is either unacknowledged or swiftly glossed over
• Any of the following appear:
  
  • Extended sequence of Neill Gorton putting prosthetics on someone
  • Extended sequence showing greenscreen effects (take two if it's accompanied by a kindergarten explanation of what greenscreen is)
  • Behind-the-scenes larkin' about with David Tennant
  • Old man makeup
  • Scenes of this week's makeup-and-prosthetics victim drinking their lunch through a straw and/or sucking lollipops to stave off hunger
  • A blatant plug for either Totally Doctor Who, Doctor Who Adventures magazine, or another BBC television production
  • Freema Agyeman
• Any time you feel like shouting “stop being so bloody smug!” at either an actor or a member of the production team.
• Any time a member of the production team is inviegled into shamefacedly admitting that they are a fan of the series, and/or wrote a New Adventure. Take two if they blush while doing so.
• Any time an actor, by contrast, cheerily volunteers the fact that they've loved the show since they were knee-high to William Hartnell, that they can name all the Doctors, and they have an army of remote-controlled Daleks.
• In the “Daleks in Manhattan”/ “Evolution of the Daleks” two-parter: take a drink every time anyone says the words “New York”, “Depression” or “showgirls”; take two any time the team visit a New York landmark; take three any time they also rub it in heavily that the actors all stayed in Cardiff while Helen bloody Rayner got a free ticket over.
• In the “Blink” episode: any time anyone actually mentions the episode rather than going on about all the slebs out there who started out as Doctor Who fans.
• In the final three episodes: take a drink anytime anyone doesn't mention Life on Mars; take two if they are visibly struggling not to do so.

Next month, provided we sober up in time, Doctor Who Confidential Drinking Game part II: This Time, It's Smug.